So I figured today would be a good day to be self indulgent and tell you all about what has brought me to this ‘challenge’ if you will, and why I am determined to see it through, not only as a short term thing but hopefully a way of life. I have been obsessed with food for as long as I can remember. I started looking at calorie counter books when I was 12, and from then on food had ruled my life in one form or another. Not enough, too much, bad food, good food, weight goes up, weight goes down….
Food to me used to mean 3 things: Celebration, showing your love for someone, and pain. Odd combo, right? Also notice I didn’t say nourishment, or to keep people alive and functioning, cause these are not things I used to associate with food at all.
I like to celebrate stuff. Pretty much anything, and that means good food, loads of food, unhealthy food, and free reign to eat as much of it as I like, because I’m celebrating. I might celebrate losing one kilo with crackers and cheese and wine. I decorate cakes as a side hobby business type of thing, and I celebrate EVERYTHING with a cake. I also show people that I love them with food. Everyone gets a cake. Everyone gets special foods and desserts when they come to visit, because thats how I show them that they are special to me. But food also causes me pain. Lots of different types. It makes me sad, it makes me angry, it makes me feel guilty and ashamed. The pain comes because I want to be something I’m not, and by eating the crackers and cheese I’m pulling myself even further away from who I want to be. That makes me feel bad. So to cover that pain I would eat more, because eating is good, it tastes good, it makes you feel better for a minute, and that’s what I would do.
That type of thinking got me to be 118 kilos a couple of years ago. I was already 110 kilos when I got pregnant, I put on 4 kilos during the entire pregnancy, and after I gained what I had lost by having the bubba, I added an extra 4 kilos. That makes 118 kilos, and at almost 5’3″ it does not make for a healthy lady. Somewhere in my mind, I was thinking, I am exhausted. Food gives you energy. I will eat for energy. Then because I was intolerant to what I was eating (gluten, wheat, dairy, CARBS CARBS CARBS) I would feel exhausted after I ate. But I thought, thats not right, I should have energy, so I would eat some more.
So I went on a high protein no carb meal replacement shake type of diet, and lost a bunch of weight. It got unsustainable, unenjoyable and just straight out boring. I wanted food, actual food, not just chocolate milk through a straw 3 times a day. So I started another program, where I spent most of my time either cooking or on the cross trainer, watching every single calorie that crossed my lips, full of guilt and shame if I ate an extra 10 calories that day. You cant live like that. Life is crap if thats what you spend it doing. I also had started studying and I just did not have time for this, it was exhausting before I even got up in the morning. And it still wasn’t working.
So right now this is where I am: I am at the point where I have completely plateaued with my weight loss. I have lost 30 kilos. I still have another 30 that I want gone from my life forever. This isn’t some magic number, I’m not obsessing about numbers on a scale like I used to, and if I get to a point where I can say yup, I have a stack of energy, my goals are within reach in regard to my uni degree and my Pilates teaching, I can wear what I want and feel good, then I will sit back comfortably and say yes, I have done what I set out to achieve, regardless of that little blue number on my scales. All the same, that number is a nice round figure within my healthy range for my height, and it would be pretty good to see it one day 🙂
So I came across the 2 programs I am mashing together on my favourite piece of technology, the internet 😀 And straight away it made total sense to me. I had done a juice fast earlier in the year, and adding foods back into my diet there was all of a sudden all of these things my belly wouldn’t tolerate. All processed junk. So I ditched them. Reading these programs, the science behind it (I am so all about science!!) I started thinking this sounds really awesome, I am going to give it a shot. Nothing has worked in over a year now, I have lost and regained the exact same 6 kilos during this time, over and over and over, and I’m sick of it. Nothing to lose by trying this right?? Nothing heals a broken body like a stack of nutrition, macronutrients and nature.
So here I am today, on day 3. Am still feeling pretty good. And although I did say it doesn’t matter what the scales say, I did have a sneaky look this morning, and am already down from that awful 88 on Monday to 86.7 this morning. So its moving in the right direction, and thats all I ask.
Todays food 😀
Hot water with lemon at 8.00am
Breakfast at 10.00am
My toast with butter, oat milk decaf cappuccino
then I had 1 truffle from yesterday 🙂
Lunch at 1.30pm
A green apple, handful of walnuts (my omega 3s) some cheese, 4 rice crackers, my biogreens shot and a super huge beetroot, celery, kale, cucumber and apple juice..
Then I had another raw cacao truffle, too hard not to 😀
then a yum green tea at my friends house
then Dinner at 6.00pm
I made Quorn, avocado and cucumber sushi rolls, am still super full now, and its 9.06pm!!
Looking at this it really doesn’t look like I ate that much, but I am really full, weird huh? And feel really happy, on my calorie controlled diet at this time of night it would be killing me not to go into the kitchen and find something to eat, but I’m happy and comfortable, and planning on a herb tea before I go to bed, and thats it. Wow, I think I’m becoming a whole new person, and its only day 3 😀 Winning!!!!